Newswink 7 • April 1975

APRIL, 1975 · SPECIAL SPRING ISSUE

JOSÉ SWEEPS CONTINENTALS

Aside from persistent rumours of a “tiddlywinker?” tournament, the big news stories from Cornell concern two of the major sporting events of the year: The Great Liver, Lung and Kidney Endurance Contest, held, as usual, at MP’s, and the semi-final playoffs for the Pinball championship of the Galaxy.

In the Liver, Lung and Kidney contest, the big news in the Lung division was the arrival of a sensational new import from Columbia. Despite the fact that few of the contestants could withstand the power of this newcomer, some of the more experienced veterans managed to show remarkable staying power. Reports from the main event (at MP’s on Saturday and Sunday) are hazy, but occasionally reliable sources mention Bill, R.G. and Bob as standouts. In the Liver and Kidney divisions, action was somewhat lighter than in the past, due no doubt to the furious competition in the Lung division. José, as before, was a standout, accounting for some thirty of the casualties.

In the Pinball Semi-finals, the tournament was well organized. Due to technical problems, the games scheduled for Yukon were transferred to Willard Straight, but the rest of the major events were held at Noyes. The outcome is somewhat unresolved, since Diane’s white rat ate the results. Some of the highlights were Myro’s pin streak on Pro Pool, KK’s eight ball run through West Gate on Rock n’ Roll, and Goff’s dazzling 2-flipper-3-bumper-double takeout for the sequential flush in 3 Jokers.

COMING EVENTS

LETTERS TO GOFF

Dear Goffer;

Enclosed is a copy of a little blurb we printed up to distribute among ourselves, giving a summary of how we fared in the Continentals. We passed out at a little intra-squad match—excuse me, we passed out these blurbs—at which all eight of us gathered at Rich’s house, getting stoned and eating fudge, brownies, and chocolate cake. I believe Zoo beat TKO’s by a margin of giving them a 10-gpoint bulge over us at the end; I’m not even sure that the MIT-TKO match ever got finished, as the TKO’s were quite KO’d on Sunday morning, but our solid ‘crunching of Lokweed & Company that morning was taken by everyone as assuring us of second place. Don’t forget the NATwA record at MP’s that Saturday night (28).

On the way back to Boston plans were already cooking for a Somerville-Zoo Match of Honor, with the object being to foster the high level of winking that many of us felt was lacking at the Big One. It came about on March 16, and though the winkers were higher than the winks, it and the ensuing spaghetti-dinner and debauch were highly enjoyable. That match (non-official) went nine innings, with the score tied 7-7 after two, 14-14 after four, and with Somerville grabbing a 23-19 lead after six, but Zoo stormed down the stretch to a convincing 37-26 win.

Also included are a map to our little southern Ohio refuge which should be abundantly clear when combined with a map of Ohio and a friendly foto of Oakbyte uglies, which was used as a program for a Weird Party, or Decathlon of Engaging Events that we held about two weeks ago—a monstrous success.

SOMERVILLAINS

TO: All members of the Somervillains and interested third parties

SUBJECT: Outcome of Continentals X with analysis, congratulations, and gloating

THE Triple-triple system had been prepared in anticipation of Somerville’s unprecedented depth of available talent at the 1975 Continentals. Without further ado, here are the results of how the FeeBLe, BaNaL, and MuRDer combinations fared against the four teams we played.

  vs       CORN TKO  MIT  ZOO Total  W-L   Ppg
FeeBLe       8*  14½  11½   8   42   6-5   3.8
BaNaL       14   12½  15½  11   53   9-3   4.4
MuRDer      16    7    9   12   44   7-5   3.7
BRaMBLeFuND 36   34   36   31  139  22-13  4.0
            --   --   --   --  ---
* two games 18   29   27   32  106

Nancy [Brady]      45  8-2  4.5
Bob [Henninge]     53  9-3  4.4
Rich [Davis]       29  5-2  4.1
Betsy [Smith]      28½ 4-3  4.1
Ferd [Wulkan]      42  6-5  3.8
Don [Fox]          33  5-4  3.7
Larry [Rosenberg]  21½ 3-3  3.6
Mary [Kirman]      26  4-4  3.3

Basically, all there is to be stated in the way of analysis is that we were even with Zoo head-to[-]head; we beat MIT solidly, by exactly the same score that Zoo did; and that the TKO’s showed that, after all, they are still capable of Hyth tenacity and vulnerable to Hyth nose-dives.

From our standpoint, we have finally fielded (finally, in a Continentals—I believe we’ve been doing it all year) a team with three pairs who can hold their own against the stiffest competition available (Zoo is supposed to have 5 of the top 10 active winkers!?). Each triple took the honors against at least one team; the MuRDer mob leading the way against both Cornell and Zoo, the high and the low of the opposition. None of our triples, pairs, or individuals had a losing record, and the team Ppg was one hair below 4.0. So much for gloating, which muscled its way in ahead of the congratulations.

I feel like a special hand is in order for nearly everyone, but let’s mention Rich, who played surely his best official match and attributed it mainly to approaching each game with the attitude that he would definitely get some points and likely even win (his dependably knowing what he could do must have helped make that realistic); and Nancy, who will no longer be unrecognized, particularly by certain MIT players (the BaNaL troika was second best pair for the weekend, 3 points off [Dave] York and Vegetable [Bill Renke]); Don, whose strategic prowess and potting concentration are really corning around, like we knew they would-; and how about our dedicated rookie, whose enthusiasm was a major factor in getting Oakbyte to its highest winks consciousness ever. For the Somervillains, now—pass it around!

EXISTENCE OF ULTRA-SECRET RESEARCH REVEALED FOR THE FIRST TIME

INTRODUCTION

For several years now, a dedicated group of researchers and theoreticians known as the Society for the Quantitative Utilization of Information Digressing Greatly from Experimental Research SQUIDGER has been operating in clandestine laboratories for the advancement of a theoretical understanding of winx. One product of their research on playing winx in various stages of mental and moral degeneration is the infamous “strategy session,” one of the most valuable techniques in any player’s repertoire.

This type of investigation remains the focus of SQUIDGER’s efforts, but the group has decided to publish the results of some of their other work. This report (one of a series) details the application of a well known quantum mechanix effect to winx. Picture the situation: it’s the fifth round; your last shot; you have to pot your one free wink for the win… you line it up, and carefully place your squidger… and shoot. As soon as the wink leaves the mat, you know its the perfect shot… but incredibly, the wink ends up outside the pot. Modern physics supplies the answer! You may just have witnessed the “tunnel effect” which, as shown below, has real manifestations in the wide world of winxs.

THEORETICAL CONSIDERATIONS

for Bd ≫ 1, this can be simplified to

H = (16E (V_o – E) e^-2Bd) V_o²

H   = (16E / V_o) exp (-4dmV_o/h²)

The mass of a wink (m = 0.35g) and d, the distance it must travel to get completely out of the cup (d = 1.7 cm, neglecting the thickness of the wall of the cup) can be obtained by measurement. E, the average energy of a wink at rest, is given by the Boltzmann expression E = 3kT/2, which is 1.265 x 10^-13 erg for a wink at room temperature. The energy required to lift the wink out of the cup is simply V_o = mgx, or (.35) (981) (3•3) = 1.134 x 10³ erg.

Therefore, the transmission coefficient of a wink throught the cup becomes:

which is its probability of tunneling through the cup per second.

Wow, assuming there are 20,000 winx in the cup somewhere in the world at any one time (either in play or in storeage), this means that there are 6.3135 x 10¹⁰ nosk (1 nosk = 1 noskram = 1 wink-second/year a unit named after the pioneer winker E. Y. Noskram at the IUPAW (International Union of Pure and Applied Winking) convention in 1970). Thus in one year, the probability of observing a wink tunnel through the cup is

CONCLUSION

The tunneling of winx through the cup is what could best be termed a subtle effect.

COMING IN FUTURE ISSUES

The Doppler Shift in the Colours of Moving Winx, The Effects of Electrostatic Interactions between the Wink and the Mat, and many, many, many more.
❏

Best wishes to Bob and Mary as they settle on their new farm. The staff of Newswlnk offers their services at harvest time. Let’s hear it for that first Big Crop!

AND FROM OUR ROVING REPORTER…

(Editor’s Note – this report comes from NEWSWINK’s roving reporter last rumored to be somewhere in Mexico.)

INTRODUCTION

In the beginning, my introduction to winx seemed innocent enough. An extra body was required to fill a team and at that time my body was willing to try most things at least once. My interest was soon captured and my winking career was under way. The game appealed to my social, competetive, and intellectual desires. The only thing that seemed lacking was the mercy of most opponents as they raped and pillaged game after game.

A couple of years went by and I was pleased with my progress. I was beginning to sort out some of the complex entanglements of strategy and execution, and able to recognize some advantageous patterns. It was about this time when I became aware of various bursts of energy shooting about the room. The best I could do at this time was to group this energy into two categories—positive and negative. The positive energy made me feel good, warm, relaxed, and confident while the negative energy brooded tension, anxiety, separateness, and spasmodic squidger behavior. At this time, I supposed that these energies were entirely dependent on the players and spectators of the game. The positive energy was created when one felt good about another’s good shot or at least sympathetic about another’s bad shot, while the negative energy was created when one felt bad about another’s good shot or good about another’s bad shot. For a time I was very sensitive to these energies and enjoyment was lost in any high negative energy games. Soon I learnt how to erect mental barriers to block out this undesireable energy and these games have become more tolerable. The high positive energy games were fantastic and they just keep on getting better.

PART I—THE SEARCH BEGINS

After countless days of searching down through Europe, I caught my first glimpse of it in the rolling surf off the north-west coast of Africa. With the mind fogged by Morroccan [sic, should be Moroccan] strategy and the noonday sun, I plunged into the sea only to be hurled back by a wall of water. With the sting of sand and salt in my eyes I stared, but it was gone. I only saw it for a few seconds but the image would remain on my brain forever. It was round, golden in colour, and emitted a pure white light in all directions.

Several weeks had passed and I found myself on the enchanting isle of Crete, home of the ancient Minoan civilization. Here I was to sight the Golden Wink once again. It was late afternoon and I was snorkling off the southern coast dreaming of Atlantis and watching the magical dance of the sea. The Golden Wink emerged out of the eye of a brilliant yellow and black striped fish and traversed the distance to me at an incredible speed. I felt the pure white light encompass my body and soul with a warmth and inner calmness never experienced before. Time did not seem to exist. It left as fast as it came and disappeared out to sea.

The experience left me all empty inside. I felt awe; I felt power; I felt fear; but most of all I felt confused. Was I looking for the Golden Wink or was the Golden Wink drawing me to it? It was time to return home and cogitate the matter further before the search could continue. Besides, finances needed bolstering and the Regionals were coming up in a month or so.

PART II—COGITATION

A great deal of our universe (maybe even all of it) is made up of energy vibrating in an orderly arrangement. We comprehend our world through our senses, which are the results of vibrations acting on specialized nerve ends which respond to the wave rhythms producing sensations of sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, etc. Science recognizes only five sensory perceptions and classifies all the rest as extrasensory perceptions (ESP). Unfortunately, science does not classify these other senses separately. We have a gravitational field sense. Clams have developed this sense enough so that they know where the sun and moon are at all times—even in the dark and buries [sic, should be buried] in the sand. We also have a sense of location. Birds have developed this enough to be able to navigate over thousands of miles always to the same place. We also have a sensitivity to thought. This has been experienced by most of us and so rigogously proven by scientists that it should be accepted as the sixth sense. So we see that our five accepted senses gives us but a limited view of our universe. Now, here comes my point. The Golden Wink emits this vibration which appears to the sight sense as a pure white light. Now if I were to tune some of my specialized nerve ends to respond to the farther-reaching wave rhythms of the Golden Wink, I could detect its presence and possibly even communicate with it and learn ail the winking mysteries of the universe.

PART III – THE SEARCH CONTINUES

In mid-February I headed south picking up the stash of Super Colombo near Indian Falls, N. Y. Soon the cold was far behind and the white sand of Mexico was between my toes. With freshly picked peyote buttons gnawing at my stomach, I lay in the sun dreaming of white light. It appeared in a crystal pool at the bottom of a small waterfall surrounded by the lush green of jungle. The sun was peeping in through a small opening in the foliage reflecting off the water giving it a shimmering, almost mystical aura. I could almost feel the warmth of the white light when I awoke to the scurry of a rather large sand crab (one of the most unusual land creatures I have ever seen). Sensing a need to find this jungle utopia, I hastened southward. Becoming more in tune with nature, I began to sense the power of the golden wink, especially when polishing my big yellow squidger.

Having been drawn to the majestic ruins of the religious Maya civilization near the town of Pelenque, I stumbled upon a beautiful jungle stream dropping down out of the mountains. Bush-wacking along jungle paths, I came to the scene of my recent dream. The stillness was intense. The noise of tumbling water faded; my vision blurred. I pulled the clothes from my body and splashed into the clear pool of white light leaving the afternoon heat behind. Time was lost once again. I frolicked; I cried; I laughed; I was lost in the warmth of love…

A shiver snapped me back to the physical plane. The white light was gone. The sun had popped back behind the towering palms. The cool stillness of the jungle remained.

As I sit on the most beautiful beach I have ever seen, writing my thoughts, those feelings are not lost. The search continues south down through British Honduras ([B]elize). It is but a question of getting in tune.

FLY 248

NEARY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Are all winx created equal? Are there differences between the colours? Which colour is best for dive-bombing? Modern statistics supplies the answer! To find the answer look at the table below.

16 winks of each colour were weighed on a Sartorius analytical balance accurated [sic, should be accurate] to 0.0002 grams. Treatment #1 is the blue; #2 is green; #3 is red; and #4 is yellow. The top part of the table shows the weights of all the winx. (AOV means “Analysis of Variance[.]”) The next table lists the mean (average) weight of each colour and the variance (degree of variability in weight). Notice that on the average blue winx are heaviest, green the lightest, with yellow exhibiting the least variation in weight.

Key to remainder of table: F – F is a measure of the statistical significance of the differences noted between the different colored winx. PR0B F GREATER THAN—This calculation shows that there is a 67% chance that the difference in weights is statistically significant. BARTLETT’S TEST – This calculation ‘s proper name is Bartlett’s test of homogeneity of variance. It tests the validity of applying the analysis of variance in this situation.

ONE WAY AOV

TREAT # 1 
      0.3447 0.3818 0.3349 0.3699 0.4712
      0.2762 0.4976 0.4665 0.3698 0.3911
      0.3792 0.3947 0.3454 0.4294 0.4228
      0.3619
TREAT # 2
      0.3218 0.3492 0.3465 0.2717 0.2941
      0.3832 0.3720 0.3875 0.4027 0.3089
      0.4445 0.3384 0.4157 0.4368 0.3600
      0.3208
TREAT # 3 
      0.4200 0.4007 0.4123 0.3423 0.3630
      0.4081 0.3974 0.4506 0.3360 0.3748
      0.3672 0.3623 0.2930 0.3521 0.2736
      0.3544
TREAT # 4
      0.4159 0.4030 0.3474 0.3859 0.3674
      0.3695 0.3916 0.3300 0.4049 0.3951
      0.3379 0.3386 0.3647 0.3644 0.3693
      0.4272
TRT  #    N   MEAN   VARIANCE
 1  16  0.38   98     0.0032
 2  16  0.35   96     0.0025
 3  16  0.36   92     0.0021
 4  16  0.37   58     0.0008
                AOV
SOURCE     DP     SS       MS     P
TOTAL      63   0.1386 
TREATS      3   0.0077  0.0026  1.1800
ERROR      60   0.1309  0.0022
DP HUM - 3, DP DEN = 60, F = 1.1800
PR0B F GREATER THAN 1.1800 = 0.3249
BARTLETT'S TEST
DF NUM = 3.00, DF DEN = 6480.00, F = 2.1191